Part 4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=982MdI0eBWM
"Well sire..."
Poison Mushroom posted:
Bedroom Tips
- Turns out baths aren't actually hazardous to your health! Get in on that!
- Plague rats make unsuitable Valentine's Day gifts.
- Tell her she smells nice.
- Wait, actually, first, get good at lying.
- Then tell her she smells nice.
- Stick it in her pooper.
"Uh huh..."FoxTerrier posted:
Tips!
Well, Mister King, being a ~Lady~ I cannot say I have much experience in such matters myself. However, I just so happen to have a copy of Wanton Weekly that might help!
Let's see what article they have this time...
Oooo, it's Top 10 Hot Hot Hottest Tips for Begetting Dat Heir
How convenient!
Let's see here...
Uh...well...
1-3 looks illegal.
Um. Do you have access to YAWHG oil?
No? Well, 4, 8, and 9 won't do you much good then.
How do you feel about undead ferrets?
I see.
Well, in the case, only tip #10 will be of much use to you. So, best of luck complimenting her webbed toes, in order to remind her of your shared ancestry and the glorious twelve-fingered princelings your concentrated royal blood will surely create.
Or you could just go with jägermeister.
---
I'll take one double vote, please.
"That might work"HBar posted:
Ladies like guys who are tall, right? Walk into the bedroom wearing high heels and she'll be overcome with passion.
"Oh I'm wearing those now!"Jenner posted:
Your Majesty have you tried men?
"Heh heh heh heh. Seriously though where's your bedroom window located?"HBar posted:
Women also like guys who are good with animals, and guys who are muscular too. So what you need to do is buy the heaviest pig in the market and train it to follow you everywhere. Then whenever the queen's in sight, lift the pig above your head. Strong and sensitive at the same time, ooh la la!
"I'll have to bring that up with my personal trainer."IMJack posted:
Teach him the secrets of the bedroom
As the King, you should be able to afford the finest and most exotic aphrodisiacs merchants can supply. Chocolate! Potatoes! Rhinoceros horn! Oysters! Flowers and roots that look like dicks! Remember, if it looks like your genitals, it means it's good for your genitals!
"In fact, I've got this knobby looking tuber you can buy right here." "Did you just grab that off the buffet table?" "N... no?"HBar posted:
Maybe she feels pressure to be courtly and formal, and that's killing the mood. Next time you get undressed together, force out a noisy fart to prove that it doesn't have to be so serious.
"Way ahead of you on that one."The_White_Crane posted:
Your Majesty, I have here an ancient tome, filled with arcane knowledge bestowed by the scribes of ancient Ægypt, detailing the bed rituals of the Pharœs.
Let us see...
1) Obtain Þe wax of Iſis. (ſee Waxes & Unguents, vol. XIV)
2) Apply Þe wax to Þe moſt ſenſitive parts of Þy lady's neÞers and Þine own.
3) Remove with force Þe wax.
4) ſcream.
5) Enjoy conjugal relations wiÞ newfound zeſt.
"How do you even pronounce those letters?" "Dexterous tongue."
"Maybe I should have put more emphasis on the men..."
Let's move on!
Mr. Gilder Aurum spends time in the Slums Fighting Crime.
"Have at you, foul ne'er-do-wells!"
"I'm a product of my upbringing and environmeeeeeeeeent!!!"
"Sounds like... crimes?"
This game has a lot of heavy shit in it!
"What could be bad about having two animals viciously maul each other for our enjoyment?"
Well I can think of a few reasons...Same deal as usual, does Gilder Bet on dogfights? or Try to stop this cruelty?
Votes with pictures or videos of cute dogs will count double.
You have until later today sometime.